How to "Nail" your New Year’s Resolutions

2020 just started, and you know what a new year means. New resolutions. So you better be ready to get overdosed by New Year’s Resolutions that’ll be kept for the first week of January and then be abandoned… Is there a way to stay on track of these resolutions though? Let me tell you, yes there is, and I’ve got the answer for EACH (some) of them.

DRINK LESS

Let’s pretend that drinking actually helps my liver’s metabolism. Lets also pretend that that exists.

LOSE WEIGHT

Here’s the plan: diet for like, 1 week, or don’t eat anything for 3 days. That way you’ll lose some weight (a pound or two) and BOOM. Voila! You’re already done! ‘Cause technically, you’ve lost weight, right? Wasn’t that efficient?

You can also try the 3 day military diet that I've been seeing everywhere on Youtube, but personally just the fact that it has the word "military" in it makes me not want to do it. I'm not that motivated to lose weight yet.

SPEND LESS MONEY

We purchase so many unessential items. Like food. Who needs food every day? Humans can survive 3 days on water only, so really you could only buy food every 2-3 days. This will also help with the previous resolution, “Lose Weight”. How to kill 2 birds with 1 stone, am I right? Plus, we're lucky cause in Québec water is free, so chug that shit. However, if where you live water is costly, why not cut on that too? Seems a bit insane? Well, if you haven't heard yet, Henry Cavill from Netflix's The Witcher would sometimes have to purposefully go through a period of dehydration. Yep. Three days of water intake reduction, with no water on the third day to make his muscles look even more poppin'. So what have we learnt from this? That we can look hotter for less? Yes please. This also gives me an excuse to plug in a steamy hot pic of Cavill, so your welcome.

Miam Miam Miam ;)

EXERCISE MORE

Ah, such a classic. Telling yourself that buying that gym pass is going to motivate you to actually go, until it's the month of March and Mother Nature has let all hell break loose and it's -3000˚C with winds that make cute little snowflakes feel like icecycles against the skin of your cheeks. Okay maybe I'm exaggerating, but it feels that way.

If you're a McGill student, you can start by actually walking up that damn McTavish hill instead of trying to find shortcuts around it or through buildings. For those of you who don't know, that freaking hill is a week of cardio in itself, I know people who've Ubered up the hill instead of walking it alright. No, I'm not talking about myself. I'm not that lazy either.

EAT HEALTHIER

It’s good to start with something simple, that way it’s easier for you to accomplish, which will make you feel better! You can gradually start increasing the amount of healthy foods you ingest per day. For example, start with one grape a day! Yes, one grape! I know everyone says “one apple a day keeps the doctor away.”, but replace apple with grape and that shit still rhymes.

QUIT SMOKING

Lmao tough luck bud.

Wear a nicotine patch, that way you aren’t literally smoking and can pretend that your body still isn’t addicted to nicotine. Plus, people will believe that you actually quit.

Or you can pick up vaping while we all wait to see what kind of health problems you develop? Come on, take one for the team!!!

So what have we learned?

Keep your resolutions vague. That way, you can get away with pretty much the bare minimum and still get to say “I did it!”. Ah, the art of lying to yourself for a self-esteem boost.

What I think of when people say they exercise at home